3 Key Tells That You Are in a Relationship with a Narcissist.

3 Key Tells That You Are in a Relationship with a Narcissist.

By Neil Lavender, PhD.

You know what?

You are not the easiest person to get along with. And neither am I. We are all a bit quirky if you ask me. I like to think of us as a bunch of swimmers in one small pool. We’re all kind of fighting for our own swimming space, if you know what I mean.

Unfortunately, there are certain people who take up more space than they’re entitled to. Worse yet, they pull others down in their self-centered efforts.

These are not your average swimmers. Most likely, these are individuals with personality disorders.

I spent most of my career along with my friend and colleague Dr. Alan Cavaiola researching individuals with personality disorders.  Especially narcissists.

There are many people who believe there are more narcissists today living in the United States than at any other time. Our entitlement, rock star, all about me mentality seems to be a swamp for breeding this type of individual.

So how do you know you’re involved with one? It’s easy if you know the right signs to look for. These are not your average swimmers.

1. You constantly feel that you are being used. You constantly feel that you are being used because, well, they are using you. Narcissists are notorious for having a sense of entitlement. They feel you owe them because they are so special and it is your privilege to be around them. They will borrow things and not return them, including your ideas and maybe even your lovers. They will use you for their own self-aggrandizement: if you are attractive, they will show you off to make themselves look better. If you have something good, they will want it; including your money, your influence, or your worship. They love to be envied.

I remember being around a narcissistic individual who loves showing off his backyard. He had numerous ponds in his backyard and whenever I was around him and we were in front of an audience, he would say “you know what, I’m coming over your house and I’m going to put one of these ponds in your backyard, even bigger than mine”. Everybody would talk about how generous he was and he soaked up the accolades. Of course this was all for show and he never showed up. Never.

2.      They are willing to take things to a level which you are not. Is next to impossible to work things out with a narcissistic individual. To straighten things out with them means that you are right and they are wrong and they won’t tolerate that because it is a massive blow to their egos. So they will dig in and fight you. They are not fighting to win the argument; they’re fighting for their sense of self-worth. The key to understanding narcissism is to understand that the down inside they feel like complete zeros so they have to put up a façade of superiority to manage to get through life on a day-to-day basis. So, if they don’t beat you now, they will find a way to beat you later or else they will feel like zeros again.

So choose your battles carefully. (Special thanks to my son and future blogger Matt for reminding me of this fact this afternoon. Nice insight, Matt!).

 3.      Overvaluation-devaluation Narcissists are notorious for thinking that you’re the greatest thing in the world when they first meet you. However, as you disappoint them; and inevitably you will, they will completely devalue you as an individual most likely cutting you off completely from their lives. This is a process psychologist referred to as “splitting”. It means experiencing life in black and white with no in between us. So don’t fall for that overvaluation in the first place. You will be like a moth attracted to a flame.

Okay, I said there were 3 Key Tells. But I’m on a roll so I’ll give you a fourth for free.

1. 4.      Narcissists get under your skin. Unlike the run-of-the-mill garden variety personality clash you might have with another individual, narcissists have a way of getting to you: you will dream of them at night, they will creep into your conversations regardless of the topics and you’ll be unable to stop talking about them or thinking about them.

I remember the time that I was scheduled to be a guest on a West Coast radio talk show. As usual, the producer first got on the phone with me telling me that the hostess had an encounter with a narcissistic partner and that our book had helped her enormously. He asked me not to mention this on the show because it was a personal matter. However, when I got on the show, the hostess talked for 45 min. about the situation herself! I barely said one sentence during the interview!

Now that’s getting under your skin!

When you encounter a narcissist in your own swimming pool, you will recognize them by an incredible amount of energy, splashing, swimming over other people, and a school of  devotees around them.

Best to swim out of their way.

Better yet, find another pool.

Related articles

• Using Interventions For Narcissistic Personality Disorders. (thetoxiccoworker.wordpress.com)
• Bipolar or Narcissistic Personality Disorder? (everydayhealth.com)
• Narcissistic Personality Disorder Symptoms (mademan.com)
• Narcissistic Definition (mademan.com)
• Barack Obama – Narcissist or Merely Narcissistic? (lettingfreedomring.com)

 

An Introduction to Personality Disorders

Image via Wikipedia

Personality Disorders 101

The individual with a PD has a key component missing from their personality; usually as a result of a flawed childhood of some sort. Here are some other characteristics:

1)      They appear normal. You may never identify the person as being “mentally ill”.  In some cases they can be loyal friends or charismatic leaders. Their PD might even help them succeed in life. They might be highly perfectionistic for example making themselves attractive workaholics to their employers.

Think Scott Peterson the guy who most likely killed his wife and unborn child. If he lived next door to you, you probably would have wanted to hang out with him!

2)      They usually don’t know they have a problem. People with PD’s tend to see their flaws as strengths. A person with Dependent PD, for example, might misperceive their clinginess as just being loyal and attentive. This lack of insight makes it difficult for them to see their own problems which they blame on others.

Perfectionists (Individuals with Obsessive-Compulsive PD’s) claim they are just trying to do the right things and that others are just slacking off.  People need to be more like them. You can see why dealing with these folks can be so difficult.

3)      They don’t do well in therapy. Indeed, due to #3, they usually don’t seek therapy unless they are prodded by others. New therapies are emerging for them which I will discuss in future blogs. Some people believe they are incurable.

The rumor(?) is that if a budding psychologist is taking the oral part of their licensing exam and tell the licensing board that they successfully treated a PD as part of their internship, they are sent home, without a license!

4)      They have a way of making you feel, behave and think differently than you would around other people. Many people, for example, when dealing with a person with Dependent PD tend to patronize or want to nurture them, even though they are not like that with others. The end result of this is you feel bad, they don’t.

I feel an excellent primer on the topic is our book Toxic Coworkers. Originally titled “Personality Disorders in the Workplace” it offers a highly readable introduction to all of the personality disorders offering advice that is highly useful in work and other relationships.

http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Coworkers-Deal-Dysfunctional-People/dp/1572242191/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1293983027&sr=8-1

Related articles

• Four Types of Borderline Personality Disorder (thetoxiccoworker.wordpress.com)
• Disorders with Borderline Personality (neumannpsychology.wordpress.com)
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• Using Interventions For Narcissistic Personality Disorders. (thetoxiccoworker.wordpress.com)

 

Got Narcissist? The One-Way Relationship

Got Narcissist? The One-Way Relationship Workbook: Step-by-Step Help for Coping With Narcissists, Egotistical Lovers, Toxic Coworkers, and Others Who Are Incredibly Self-Absorbed (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook) (9781572249097): Alan Cavaiola, Neil Lavender: Books http://ow.ly/8ViuG

 

Is there a healthy side to Narcissism??

Is there a healthy side to Narcissism?? Is It a Disorder? | Psychology Today http://ow.ly/8U8u9

 

Using Interventions For Narcissistic Personality Disorders.

Using Interventions For Narcissistic Personality Disorders.

Here is help for those involved with a narcissist

by Neil J Lavender, PhD

It is a real challenge to make changes in a one-way relationship with a self-centered narcissist. It’s all about them and never about you. Sometimes the best efforts fail. Getting an individual with Narcissistic Personality Disorder into psychotherapy is in itself a small miracle. Moreover, even the best psychotherapists can be challenged when dealing with the narcissist.
But there is one more option that is slowly emerging onto the psychotherapy scene. One of the newer cutting-edge technologies being advocated by experts for helping individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder is “the intervention”. Doing an intervention with your narcissistic other can be a difficult yet valuable strategy in dealing with highly resistant narcissistic people. Interventions can take a good deal of time, preparation, and resources, and note that with intervention, you risk terminating the relationship.

An intervention is a technique that was originally developed to break through the denial and resistance in a substance abuser who refuses to acknowledge her problem. Several key people in the substance abuser’s life—family members, friends, and the like—confront her with her problem, the pain she has caused them, and their concern for her well-being. They are usually aided by a professional trained in interventions. In some instances, a bed in a rehab center has previously been reserved, so the patient’s bags are already packed.

More recently, interventions have been used to break through the denial of people with eating disorders. The fact that it is a technique specifically designed to prevail over denial makes it a good choice for narcissists because denial is one of their key symptoms.
Here are the steps in implementing an intervention.
1. Enlist the aid of a professional. Interventions can be very stormy and emotional experiences. While it is possible to have an intervention without a professional, your chances are better with the help of an experienced practitioner.

2. Recruit your participants. These should be people who have some influence over the narcissist or people whom the narcissist has hurt in some way. Stick to about four or five people if you can.

3. Plan your intervention. The key participants should meet at least one time to plan the meeting without the narcissist’s knowledge. In this meeting, you need to set goals, like getting the narcissist to commit to psychotherapy. Develop talking points; everyone should have only one or two key things to say. Try to stick to those points without hitting the narcissist with everything under the sun. Remember to communicate compassion throughout the session and resist the temptation to withhold it for revenge. Plan strategies for what to do if and when the narcissist resists. Be prepared to apply a consequence if the narcissist insists on carrying on the same old, same old. Ending the relationship, litigating, or not participating in certain activities with the narcissist are some possibilities. Leverage is your ace in the hole.

4. During the intervention, stay calm, for things can get rough. Remember, this is a loving gesture done out of concern. Make it clear that ignoring the problem would have only hurt the narcissist. You may be surprised that this show of support actually touches the narcissist. Avoid labels and general sweeping statements. Use I-messages. Stay upbeat and helpful.

Experts on intervention with substance abuse vary in their reports on intervention effectiveness from 50 to 90 percent (with professional help). Statistics on intervention done with narcissists are not yet available.

The Institute for Advanced Studies in Personality and Psychopathology in Port Jervis, NY is a good starting place to set up a personal intervention
Web: http:/www.millon.net/index.htm

Taken from Lavender, N. and Cavaiola, A. (2011) The One-Way Relationship Workbook: Step-by-Step Help for Coping With Narcissists, Egotistical Lovers, Toxic Coworkers, and Others Who Are Incredibly Self- absorbed. (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook)

Related articles

• The Healthy Side of Narcissism (psychologytoday.com)
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Four Types of Borderline Personality Disorder

Four Types of Borderline Personality Disorder

by Dr. Neil Lavender, Ph.D.

So much has been written today about the Borderline Personality Disorder. These individuals, often very abused in their childhoods, can wreak havoc in organizational settings and close relationships. They are known for their impulsivity,  self – destructive nature, moodiness, anger, and, perhaps most importantly, their tendency to have very stormy relationships. Think Glenn Close in the movie Fatal Attraction.

But not all borderlines are alike. In his stellar book, Disorders of Personality: DSM-IV and Beyond, Theodore Millon identifies four different subtypes of Borderline Personality Disorder. Incidentally, Millon is one of the leading experts in the field of personality disorders and Borderline Personality Disorder so he knows what he’s talking about. His book is one of the best books out there for any serious student of personality disorders and I recommend it highly to those who are more advanced in their study of psychology.

The Discouraged Borderline in many ways can look very much like an individual with Dependent Personality Disorder, or what is commonly known in today’s jargon as codependent. They tend to be clingy, go along with the crowd, and walk around feeling somber and somewhat dejected. Deep inside however, there are often angry and disappointed with the actions of those around them. Scratch the surface, and that anger could explode, but they are much more likely to do harm to themselves by self-mutilating or even suicide.

The Impulsive Borderline seems to be a first cousin to the Histrionic Personality Disorder. These individuals tend to be flirtatious, captivating, elusive and superficial. They are highly energetic and seek out thrill after thrill. They are easily bored and seem to have it never ending appetite for attention and excitement. As their name implies, they will often act without thinking getting themselves into all sorts of trouble. These people can often be very charismatic and it’s easy to get caught in their spell. Beware!

Millon’s third subtype is what he calls the Petulant Borderline. He describes them as being “unpredictable, irritable, impatient, and complaining” as well as “defiant, disgruntled, stubborn, pessimistic and resentful”. They are torn between relying upon people and at the same time keeping their distance for fear of disappointment. They vacillate between feelings of unworthiness and anger. This anger can be quite explosive. Better not get in their line of fire.

Finally, there is the Self – Destructive Borderline. This type was marked by his constant sense of bitterness which they turn inward. They will often engage in self-destructive behaviors whether it is conscious or unconscious.  Their levels of self-hatred can often reach monumental proportions leading them into all types of self-destructive behaviors, ranging from poor healthcare to reckless driving to performing humiliating sexual acts.

These people are not your run-of-the-mill  ”toxic coworker”. Though they might often seem okay on the surface, these are deeply disturbed individuals in need of help. Even the most experienced of therapists are challenged by them.

Forewarned is forearmed; it’s best just to keep your distance. More next time.

Related articles

• What is borderline personality disorder? (zocdoc.com)

 

Great article on BPD. “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me”

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When Power Corrupts Reprint from Psychology Today

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Psychopathy: A misunderstood personality disorder

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I don’t think it is that misunderstood. What do you think?

 

Narcissistic Personality Disorder – A Great Introduction to the Narcissist

Narcissistic Personality Disorder – Psych Central.