Here is help for those involved with a narcissist

by Neil J Lavender, PhD

It is a real challenge to make changes in a one-way relationship with a self-centered narcissist. It’s all about them and never about you. Sometimes the best efforts fail. Getting an individual with Narcissistic Personality Disorder into psychotherapy is in itself a small miracle. Moreover, even the best psychotherapists can be challenged when dealing with the narcissist.
But there is one more option that is slowly emerging onto the psychotherapy scene. One of the newer cutting-edge technologies being advocated by experts for helping individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder is “the intervention”. Doing an intervention with your narcissistic other can be a difficult yet valuable strategy in dealing with highly resistant narcissistic people. Interventions can take a good deal of time, preparation, and resources, and note that with intervention, you risk terminating the relationship.

An intervention is a technique that was originally developed to break through the denial and resistance in a substance abuser who refuses to acknowledge her problem. Several key people in the substance abuser’s life—family members, friends, and the like—confront her with her problem, the pain she has caused them, and their concern for her well-being. They are usually aided by a professional trained in interventions. In some instances, a bed in a rehab center has previously been reserved, so the patient’s bags are already packed.

More recently, interventions have been used to break through the denial of people with eating disorders. The fact that it is a technique specifically designed to prevail over denial makes it a good choice for narcissists because denial is one of their key symptoms.
Here are the steps in implementing an intervention.
1. Enlist the aid of a professional. Interventions can be very stormy and emotional experiences. While it is possible to have an intervention without a professional, your chances are better with the help of an experienced practitioner.

2. Recruit your participants. These should be people who have some influence over the narcissist or people whom the narcissist has hurt in some way. Stick to about four or five people if you can.

3. Plan your intervention. The key participants should meet at least one time to plan the meeting without the narcissist’s knowledge. In this meeting, you need to set goals, like getting the narcissist to commit to psychotherapy. Develop talking points; everyone should have only one or two key things to say. Try to stick to those points without hitting the narcissist with everything under the sun. Remember to communicate compassion throughout the session and resist the temptation to withhold it for revenge. Plan strategies for what to do if and when the narcissist resists. Be prepared to apply a consequence if the narcissist insists on carrying on the same old, same old. Ending the relationship, litigating, or not participating in certain activities with the narcissist are some possibilities. Leverage is your ace in the hole.

4. During the intervention, stay calm, for things can get rough. Remember, this is a loving gesture done out of concern. Make it clear that ignoring the problem would have only hurt the narcissist. You may be surprised that this show of support actually touches the narcissist. Avoid labels and general sweeping statements. Use I-messages. Stay upbeat and helpful.

Experts on intervention with substance abuse vary in their reports on intervention effectiveness from 50 to 90 percent (with professional help). Statistics on intervention done with narcissists are not yet available.

The Institute for Advanced Studies in Personality and Psychopathology in Port Jervis, NY is a good starting place to set up a personal intervention
Web: http:/www.millon.net/index.htm

Taken from Lavender, N. and Cavaiola, A. (2011) The One-Way Relationship Workbook: Step-by-Step Help for Coping With Narcissists, Egotistical Lovers, Toxic Coworkers, and Others Who Are Incredibly Self- absorbed. (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook)

Related articles

• The Healthy Side of Narcissism (psychologytoday.com)
• Lack of Empathy: The Most Telling Narcissistic Trait (psychologytoday.com)

by Dr. Neil Lavender, Ph.D.

So much has been written today about the Borderline Personality Disorder. These individuals, often very abused in their childhoods, can wreak havoc in organizational settings and close relationships. They are known for their impulsivity,  self – destructive nature, moodiness, anger, and, perhaps most importantly, their tendency to have very stormy relationships. Think Glenn Close in the movie Fatal Attraction.

But not all borderlines are alike. In his stellar book, Disorders of Personality: DSM-IV and Beyond, Theodore Millon identifies four different subtypes of Borderline Personality Disorder. Incidentally, Millon is one of the leading experts in the field of personality disorders and Borderline Personality Disorder so he knows what he’s talking about. His book is one of the best books out there for any serious student of personality disorders and I recommend it highly to those who are more advanced in their study of psychology.

The Discouraged Borderline in many ways can look very much like an individual with Dependent Personality Disorder, or what is commonly known in today’s jargon as codependent. They tend to be clingy, go along with the crowd, and walk around feeling somber and somewhat dejected. Deep inside however, there are often angry and disappointed with the actions of those around them. Scratch the surface, and that anger could explode, but they are much more likely to do harm to themselves by self-mutilating or even suicide.

The Impulsive Borderline seems to be a first cousin to the Histrionic Personality Disorder. These individuals tend to be flirtatious, captivating, elusive and superficial. They are highly energetic and seek out thrill after thrill. They are easily bored and seem to have it never ending appetite for attention and excitement. As their name implies, they will often act without thinking getting themselves into all sorts of trouble. These people can often be very charismatic and it’s easy to get caught in their spell. Beware!

Millon’s third subtype is what he calls the Petulant Borderline. He describes them as being “unpredictable, irritable, impatient, and complaining” as well as “defiant, disgruntled, stubborn, pessimistic and resentful”. They are torn between relying upon people and at the same time keeping their distance for fear of disappointment. They vacillate between feelings of unworthiness and anger. This anger can be quite explosive. Better not get in their line of fire.

Finally, there is the Self – Destructive Borderline. This type was marked by his constant sense of bitterness which they turn inward. They will often engage in self-destructive behaviors whether it is conscious or unconscious.  Their levels of self-hatred can often reach monumental proportions leading them into all types of self-destructive behaviors, ranging from poor healthcare to reckless driving to performing humiliating sexual acts.

These people are not your run-of-the-mill  ”toxic coworker”. Though they might often seem okay on the surface, these are deeply disturbed individuals in need of help. Even the most experienced of therapists are challenged by them.

Forewarned is forearmed; it’s best just to keep your distance. More next time.

Related articles

• What is borderline personality disorder? (zocdoc.com)

Great article on BPD. “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me!” | Psychology Today http://ow.ly/80EbT

I don’t think it is that misunderstood. What do you think?